Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What if......

A memory popped into my head last night and I was almost forced to get up and write it.  I won that battle but I still feel it needs to go here.

I was once told "I pulled up outside your apartment door that night, I decided if you opened the door I would come in and we could be together, you didn't so I left."  I remember thinking how funny that was, becasue I was inside my apartment wondering what the car wanted outside finding it strage.

It is likely that, that relationship would have been strained from the get go. As much as we thought we wanted it, it was not meant to be.  It was really a situation I intentionally created to protect myself from something else.  That story will wait for another day.

Today's story is about well I am not really sure what it is about.  Perception, chance, a strange attempt at romance.......maybe sitting in the car would have worked if he played the Cranberries really loud, or yelled my name, who's to say.

I think I have been venturing into that dark land of "what if's" lately, and wondering how my life and the health of myself and others would be a bit different if things had been different.  I try not to stay in the "what if's" too much because it is really not a productive place to be, but in my attempt to clear it all. I am allowing short trips.  What is making it much better than in the past is I am finding a positive result for each senerio.  I have amazed myself with how many I have found.  It is not always easy but when I am prompted I get it done.

I believe that each experience we have regardless of how devastating can bring you soo much, if you are only able or willing to see it. In some cases that realization is delayed as it is meant to be.  Never doubt that the pain or emotions you feel around something is wrong.  Just try to remember there are great lessons from the darkest of times and those lessons propel us into the next great thing.

Also try not to carry that raw pain or anger with you for years at a time.  (I laugh as I write that line)


I was talking to an amazing woman last night and we were discussing how you always have a fear or a dread of the worst thing that can happen in your life, then it happens and you are still here and you really need to stop and decide what you are going to do with it. 

Then another woman in the group reminded us to "never should on yourself".

I find it really cool that a volunteer opportunity with an attached 9 week training course, can truly support the clearing work I am doing. In fact there have been many classes or books I have read that let me know all this work is to be happening right now, and even though sometimes I scold myself for still having theses bits and pieces or huge chunks of stuff that I have not allowed myself to let go of, it is all in the time it was meant to be done in.

When I look at what I have written I really see clearly that how we look at something and if we look at it as it is without judgement, events and memories just are what they are.  When we remove the "what if's" and "shoulds" we are allowed to just see what was.


The challenge this week is to release judgement, try it.  Do not judge people, ideas, plans, or words.  Stop yourself each time you label something with a judgement.   

Feel free to let me know how you made out!

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