A year or so ago a concerned parent dontated over $400.00 to bring in a facilitator in to discuss a program called Active Parenting. I looked into what it took to facilitate and it cost about $135.00 to take the class and get certified. SO being me, I took the certification class and can now do it for free. This saves the church and other concerned parents money that can be used for other needs. It also allows me to do work that I really am passionate about for no charge.
As I was preparing the class, I started to recall classes I have taken last year on parenting and I decided I was going to use those concepts in addition to the one's outlined in the Active Parenting Program. The classes I took taught me a much more positive and realistic way to help my kids on their journey is called Empowered Family Training and Parenting By Design, I had taken these classes offered by Karen Curry.
I spent days re-listening to hours and hours of classes (the best part of recorded teleclasses) going over my notes, and comparing it to Active Parenting. I found a lot of similarities as well as differences some subtle and others not so subtle. As I continued to review all of the information it stated to morph and take a different shape. Sooo I have all my notes written and ready to go for my morphed parenting group. Well minus a name. I might just use Morphed Parenting by Tammy Murray-Cousins, LOL!
The first class was canceled last week, due to the snow, it is scheduled to start this upcoming Tuesday Feb. 7. If anyone is local, there is still space available. Email me at tamc2006@gmail.com for more information.
Now for the quick fix that started me writing this post.
My daughter made me a snowman at school, and my son made fun of it causing my daughter to cry. I was telling her it was a great snowman, that she must have worked really hard, not to pay attention to her brother etc. Nothing was working she was miserable.
I took a picture of the snowman and within 2 minutes I had it posted on facebook. Instantly this generates encouraging comments about the snowman, which made my daughter feel much better. Yes that is what praise does, it makes us feel better. In this case it came from outside of my daughter, as she now believed the snowman was awful.
So what is the problem? you may ask, well lets look at it, sure it solved the immediate issue, but if I ask myself what my long term parenting goals are for my kids, some of them would be: I want them to be independent, and to have healthy self esteem. This cannot happen with only praise from the outside, that only makes her want to please others. Long term parenting goals take longer to accomplish. They take a lot of time and a lot of repetition.
What could I have done differently? (I actually tried a little but maybe not as much as I should have but at least I did some of it)
How do you feel about your work? You must have spent a long time making this snowman. I can see that you put in a lot of work? You must be proud of yourself. What do you think about your snowman? What did you think about it before you came home? I see you are crying, do you want to talk about what your brother said? I can only assume that she would have continued to tell me about how he is mean and how she feels he hates her etc, and I would sit and listen, not try and fix just listen. Later I could bring my son in and have them talk about what happened and how the whole situation could have been handled differently etc.
This is instead of - this is the best snowman ever! Don't worry about what your brother says he was being rude! Don't cry. Let me put this on facebook (so other people will make you feel better.)
Can you see the difference in where her good feeling can come from, in the above scenario? Where her self worth and sense of value could be obtained form within?
I am pretty sure I still would've posted it on facebook (I mean what don't I post there? LOL) but my intention would surely be different and whatever comments were received certainly would have been in addition to her own feelings not just to boost them.
Parenting is hard, it doesn't come with a manual. One day you are holding a baby and suddenly you are being ignored by your teen wondering what is going on in their heads or worse.
Being the parent of an 11 and 9 year old I often get nervous about what is to come and I often wonder if I have given them all they need. That being said, I have always known it is their journey and I am here to love, teach, and guide them, but ultimately it is their journey. A goal I have always had is to be open, honest, and supportive, while teaching them to be who they are and encouraging them to do what is right for them, whether I like it or not. My feeling has always been, live as you will, as long as you don't hurt others. I want them to be independent and make well thought out decisions for reasons that come from within themselves and not due to peer pressure, resentment, or because I said so.
I know what I have learned in these classes and am able to share with others will be the difference in my kids success in life.
It does take work and practice but I have already begun to see the changes in my own home. I am starting with what they are capable of and supporting them as they learn to clean and cook and be responsible for their own actions and belongings. I used to over parent in many cases out of my guilt for working and being gone from the home so much. I didn't realize that in doing so much, it took away their view of what they are capable of.
The good thing about all of this is it works for the most part on any age child, well really person because we all have the same needs.
For today I think I have written all I can, my intention was to introduce it and keep it short and sweet. Although now I feel I am cutting it short.
This is a topic that I am sure I will be posting a lot more about in the future, as well as offering teleclasses and other discussion groups.
If you have questions or want more info, let me know!
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